Few things in marriage prompt more awkward conversations than deciding where to spend the holidays. Navigating the competing expectations of two families while trying to honor your own desires can feel like walking a tightrope. You might dread disappointing someone or worry about unspoken tension boiling over during the season meant for joy and connection.

Thankfully, you’re not alone. Many couples grapple with this tricky topic, especially during their first few holiday seasons as a married pair. While these decisions can feel overwhelming, they’re an opportunity to set the tone for how you and your spouse will handle complex family dynamics together.

Here’s why these conversations can feel so awkward and, more importantly, how to approach them in a way that strengthens your relationship rather than straining it.

Why Holiday Decisions Are Emotionally Charged

When you’re balancing two families’ expectations, the logistical challenges—who to visit, how much time to spend, and how far to travel—are just the tip of the iceberg. The emotional weight beneath those decisions is what makes this so tricky.

  • Traditions Are Deeply Personal: Holidays often carry layers of meaning tied to family traditions. When you marry, you’re merging two sets of cherished rituals. While you may feel excited to carve out new traditions together, family members might see your choices as a rejection of their way of celebrating.
  • The Desire to Keep Everyone Happy: For many, the holidays are a time of togetherness. You may feel pressure to attend every gathering, appease every relative, and avoid hurt feelings at all costs. But the truth is, you can’t please everyone, and trying to might leave you and your spouse exhausted.
  • Conflicting Ideas of What Matters Most: You and your spouse may have different priorities when it comes to the holidays. Perhaps one of you feels strongly about Christmas morning with your parents, while the other prefers a quieter celebration at home. Untangling these preferences and finding common ground can feel complex.

A Framework for Productive Holiday Conversations

The key to overcoming this challenge is clear, compassionate communication. Here’s how you and your spouse can tackle the topic with grace.

1. Align as a Team First

Begin by sitting together, just the two of you, and talk about what matters most about the holidays for each of you. What traditions do you cherish? How much time (and travel) seems reasonable? Are there specific events that are particularly meaningful to you?

This step is crucial. Before involving extended family, ensure you and your spouse are aligned. Frame this as a shared effort to create holidays that work best for you both, not a debate where one person “wins.”

One of you might say, “I really want to be at my parents' house for their Christmas Eve dinner—it’s a tradition I’ve cherished since childhood. But I also want to ensure we have time to enjoy our own little holiday moments together.”

2. Communicate Early with Families

Once you’ve hashed out a plan, share it with your families early. This gives them time to adjust their expectations and prevents last-minute misunderstandings.

Be clear and kind in your delivery. Something like, “We’re excited to spend Christmas Eve with you this year, and we’ll be heading to [Spouse’s] family on Christmas Day,” sets a firm yet respectful boundary. Reinforce your excitement about the time you can spend together, which helps soften the blow of any limits.

3. Reframe “No” Statements

Saying no doesn’t have to sound harsh. Instead of focusing on what you won’t do, emphasize what you will do. If you need to decline an invitation, consider saying, “We won’t be able to make it to the big dinner this year, but we’d love to come by for dessert and spend time with everyone.”

This approach shows that you value the relationship and are still invested in making meaningful memories, even if you’re not present for everything.

4. Plan for Fairness Over Time

If balancing families equally in one season feels impossible, take a longer-term view. You might spend Thanksgiving with one family and Christmas with the other, alternating each year.

This can ease the guilt of feeling like someone is left out. A simple explanation like, “We did Thanksgiving at [Spouse’s] family this year, so we’d love to spend it with you next year,” helps set an expectation of fairness without placing undue blame.

5. Leave Room for New Traditions

Amid the family obligations, don’t forget to carve out moments for just the two of you. This could be a quiet dinner before the festivities, a walk together after presents, or even a completely separate celebration on a different date.

By creating your own traditions, you establish your marriage as its own unit, separate from your families of origin. Over time, this can lessen the tension of feeling split between two worlds.

What About Pushback?

Even with careful planning and good intentions, resistance from family is a real possibility. You might hear comments like, “But we’ve always done Christmas Day together,” or, “That’s going to upset Grandma.”

These moments are challenging, but they don’t have to derail you. When faced with pushback, calmly reiterate your plan. Use empathetic phrases such as, “We really value our time with you, and we’re looking forward to [specific day/event].”

Avoid lengthy justifications. The more you explain your reasoning, the easier it becomes for others to argue. Keep the focus on what matters most—that you care about the relationship and are doing your best to balance everyone’s needs, including your own.

The Big Picture

Holiday logistics can feel like high-stakes decisions, but they ultimately involve something deeper: learning how to communicate and compromise as a couple. You and your spouse are navigating how to honor your families while creating a life that works for both of you.

There may be hurt feelings or logistical hiccups along the way, and that’s okay. What matters is that you’re taking steps to approach these conversations thoughtfully and together.